One in Four

"One in four", is what the doctor said to us, like those statistics were going to make me feel better in that moment. (It blows my mind that we hear about it so little when it effects so many people.) I wish that it did provide some kind of comfort. I was psyched up for Motherhood and more excited for something than I have ever been, and then we were told those awful words, "We can't find the heartbeat." We had the appointment just prior to the ultrasound and had already met with the Mid-wife and heard all the reassuring words. You know the encouraging stuff that exacerbates your excitement. I can still remember seeing my own pain mirrored back to me in the eyes of my husband and Mom on the day we went to have a second ultrasound. I was somewhere in between thankful to have them there and sorry they were there. I experienced so many emotions: denial, heartbreak, rage(this came later). I was devistated to say the least, but I was not sure that I wanted anyone to know.

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I hadn't experienced anything like this before. I felt the same loss that I had know at every funeral I had previously experienced in my lifetime, only this loss had been growing in side of me and there was no formal funeral. While the baby was gone from inside of me, the hormones were not. I somehow felt a great responsibility for that life that was once a part of me. So many daunting questions: How do I honor this life that was so meaningful to me, that maybe isn't known or understood by my family and friends?.. How do I honor that life that I didn't get to hold in my hands, but will never leave my heart?.. How do I conquer the fear that this loss leaves?.. Would it rob me of excitement about having children in the future? How do I stop the fear of that same experience reoccurring because I didn't think I could possibly bear that again (then my heart aches again for all the women who have endured it multiple times🙏).

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I don't have all the answers but I have learned from my experience. I learned that a husband and a wife deal with this kind of loss in different ways. I have learned that it wasn't something I could move on from on my own. I don't think I began to get better until I reached out to a friend who had a similar experience when I was only in high school. I had worked with her, a good friend, married with a family, who confided in me many years ago about her loss. I'm so grateful for that now, because reaching out to that friend when I felt very isolated, was the start of me "getting back up." I remember asking her if what I was feeling was normal or if I was going crazy. She told me that I would always wonder what my baby would have looked like, acted like, etc., just as she still did her angel baby. Reconnecting with her helped me feel less alone and like she could totally relate to how I was feeling. I had another person (a family member who will remain anonymous) who had miscarried before I was ever even thought of. She helped me to stop pretending I was ok and talk about how I was really feeling. She helped put what I was feeling into meaningful perspective. Without these two people, I might still be in bed, crying. I know that God's ways are mysterious and a conversation I had with a friend a decade ago helped me through something current, even though we hadn't kept in touch. God has a way with timing. I have learned the value of motherhood, relationship, and faith.

I have learned that women who go through this NEED to talk about it!(or is it just me?🤔) I have learned that talking about it is essential to heal from what's happened. It's not possible to heal from something you don't acknowledge. It's not that I wanted what I went through to be acknowledged... It was that I wanted that significant life to be acknowledged, and still do! I feel such an obligation to honor that life. Actually I think that's what I still struggle with the most is the question of How do I honor that life? Here is what comes to mind when I ask that question today:

• I can talk with others about the importance of protecting the unborn.

• I can teach my children about loss. I can tell them that Mommy was scared after this loss but my heart was still open to a family. Why?...to teach them the value of life.

• I can teach them the importance of Faith and expose them to what faith over fear can do for us and give them the hope of heaven.

• I can be open about my experience and encourage other women to do the same.

• I can use my grief to relate to someone when they most need it. I can be there for an old friend, or family member, like someone once was for me, praying with her and for her.

• I can be a driving force behind protecting the unborn in the best way I know how.

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I still get an uneasy feeling when someone asks me how many children I have because I don't know whether to say four, including my angel baby; or three. I don't want pity from my peers, I just want to talk about my heavenly baby without feeling like there is something seriously wrong with me if I say it out loud. I'm not sure why I feel like I need to protect others from the pain or hurt that I feel from this loss, or the joy of meeting them someday. I don't speak of it often. The other day, Xander, my 5 year old son said that he would like to add something to our mealtime prayer. He said, with his eyes closed and his hands together, "I would like to pray for our baby that is in heaven." I'm so proud of him for speaking of this so willingly, without any hesitation! I don't know why I'm so hesitant to speak of it. Maybe because it makes me feel weak or unstable. Maybe because a large part of society tells me that life wasn't valid and makes it acceptable to voluntarily end life of babies. Maybe because I want to focus on what I do have instead of what I don't. I'm not really sure. Since miscarrying, we have had three beautiful babies, blessings that we get to raise, to keep here on earth with us. Being their Mommy gives me an idea of what heaven is like (most days..😂 )

Here is what I do know: This is not just some random, meaningless thing that occurred seven years ago, it was a life that mattered! While it was seven years ago, it feels just as real to me now. My loss is also what made me a mother(miscarriage or not) for the first time. It was my first pregnancy, my first child. My baby never endured the pain of the world. My baby skipped right to the "good stuff" and experienced the direct love of our maker without the problems that my other children will face in their lifetime. My baby won't know the imperfect world that we live in, or the things that I don't understand or can't quite explain to my children on earth. My babe is experiencing perfect love, something I can only strive to give. I find comfort in knowing that the loved ones I have lost have likely held my sweet angel. I know that it gives me one more reason to do my best and fly right, so to speak. I have to earn my way to heaven. I can't afford to miss the chance to not only meet Jesus, but meet my baby for the first time!

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8l93z7gd70 is a beautiful song that my friend shared with me. It's like an anthem that says it all just perfectly and I love it. 👌❤ Thank you, Joey for sharing it with me. It's so moving and relatable.

In honor of my baby in heaven and in my heart, I have a special, but important request for you. Please say a prayer for the unborn (both the lives lost and taken voluntarily). Pray for the one in four mothers who have lost, and the ones who have aborted. Pray for a change of hearts in the world, for forgiveness and renewal. Pray for acknowledgement that my babies' life was real.❤ Pray for our country's leadership, that they will cease the support of abortion. Pray for the mothers who are one in four and haven't yet shared their story with someone. Pray for the Mommas who are looking for the courage to "get up" or "speak up". Pray for healing of hearts and minds.