Good Grief

Nikki Miller
Mar 17, 2021
8 min read

On the day we laid my sweet Grampie to rest, I wore my armor, so to speak. I was able to be strong and courageous...brave even.. Why?... because its what I felt called to do on that day and I'm glad I was able to do that. I wanted to provide what comfort I could to my loved ones, and honor my Grandpa's life the only way I knew how. I have also attended a funeral where I couldn't provide even a stitch of comfort to anyone, and could hardly function. Both of these responses are acceptable!

Grief

We all experience it, uniquely. It effects us differently at various times in our life. It's messy, unpredictable, confusing, it's just one of those things that never goes away permanently. Sometimes grief shows it's face when you're in the midst of a spiritual high, or some of the happiest moments of life. Then other times it visits you when you're already at a low point. Sometimes you're ready for it, and other times it knocks you on your face. There are times when grief happens because you love someone, they just become a part of who you are. Sometimes grief shows up in the middle of your most joyous moments. Then there are those times where it shows up and says, "I'm here and I brought depression with me." Its one of the few things that can cause us to laugh at a joyous memory, while tears roll down our face because of our pain. I sometimes need reminded that grief is not in control. I've shared it with those close to me. I share because I seek comfort, to honor the person(s) I'm grieving, or both. Likewise, sometimes I keep grief tucked deep inside of me for fear of burdening another with my pain. I have tried tucking it away, and I have also shared it. Sunday, I tucked it away and I pushed down my feelings until they literally just came pouring out, ready or not.

There has been what seems to be an astronomical amount of loss lately in my circle. My son actually said to me recently, "Mom the good thing about funeral homes is we get to see our friends there." 🤷‍♀️ Anyway, I was recently reminded that I can be there for others, but I can't take on their pain. I don't do great with it. It makes me feel helpless to see those around me hurting. I certainly don't want them to hide their pain from me as it is an honor to be present for those I love and see them through their loss. So, what can I do? A very near and dear friend, relative and mentor told me, "You have to be careful not to take on others pain yourself.(Guilty) You have to take their pain and give it to the Lord." I needed that reminder. I have been inserting too much of myself into the suffering of those around me. It made me think about what I can do. I obviously can't magically make their pain go away, because I'm not Jesus. What I can do is pray for them, listen, love them through it. This is so important. Sometimes in the thick of grief, one is too angry, distracted, to pray. That is why I believe it is so very important that their loved ones and friends are praying for them at that time. I don't have to join someone in their sorrow, to love them. I should instead be lifting their sorrow up to the Lord. But I am human and perfection isn't something I have mastered. When someone shares their greatest sufferings, it is literally an opportunity to do the work of Jesus. That is beautiful. It makes our friendships stronger. It challenges us to reserve from inserting too much of ourselves into the situation; to allow God to work through us, but remember we aren't God.

To my loved ones, who have recently suffered loss, or recently felt the effects of loss (you know who you are), this song is for you from my heart to yours. ❤

On Sunday, I thought I would do that same thing that I did on the day of my Grandpa's funeral. For my Dad and my Aunts and Uncle, my family; I wanted to be strong, and wear that same armor that I had worn on that day. But Sunday was different. Sunday, to my surprise, I crumbled. I think for the first time since my grandpa's passing, that armor came off, as I drove to my grandparents house, alone, where Dad would announce to our family the "value" of the estate to start the process in selling it... My emotions completely took over me. I could feel it coming on so I cranked up the radio and I rolled open my sun roof as if the wind and upbeat music would push my thoughts aside. Despite the music and wind, tears rolled as my mind scrolled through every vivid memory from my childhood and tried to prepare myself to walk into their house, where neither Grandma or Gramps would open the door to greet me. It was like it just dawned on me that this world (even our family at times) feels so cold without them. A home isn't a house or even it's material items, A home is the people that share the space inside if it. The reality hit me hard that my home is no longer Grandma + Grandpa's home. Their house is invaluable to us compared to the memories that we made inside of it.

It stings to realize I would walk through that door for the first time where neither Grandpa or Grandpa would be there to greet me. Grampie wouldn't talk me into staying longer, or give me a squeeze and a fish kiss when I left. I would only look at the porch where we used to sit together, looking down on the town and solving the worlds problems. I would look at the table, Thank God for all the memories it held and all the meals we shared there, and shed tears for the reason we were gathered around it currently. I would look one last time at the wallpaper that I helped Grandma to put up. I would laugh about the thought of it, and morn the changing times. I would recall the high school interview assignment that took place at that table. I would reminisce about Grandma laughing harder that day than I had ever heard before. I'd remember all of us laughing until we cried at the things that Grandma and Grandpa said during that interview. I think about the beautiful sunny day that it was the day that Grandma passed away in her chair on Easter Morning. What a testament to her that was that her time to go was on Easter morning. I would think about how strong Grandpa was, going on without her, despite his completely broken heart. I would think of their marriage and reflect on all the things I could do better in my own. I decided I would take pictures, both photos and mental snapshots in efforts to hold onto every joyous memory I had there, while also realizing that these material items have very little value to me with Grandma and Grandpa no longer here. I would relive so many childhood memories from this place. I will put these memories in a sacred space in my mind in hopes to preserve and protect them. I'll share stories about them with my children from my unique perspective.

Sunday taught me that I'm human and I don't have to apologize for feeling sad or having off days. I'll admit, initially I was embarrassed by it, because I couldn't exactly pull myself together... but then I asked myself why?! I'm not weak for letting my pain leak out onto my cheeks. It reminded me that being strong for the ones I love means first, being honest with myself about my own pain. It made me realize I needed to look through this lens with my own set of eyes and heart, rather than my Dad, Mom, Aunt, Uncle, or Cousins eyes and hearts. I needed to do just what I had been advised by a friend to do. I needed to lay everyone else's pain down, and give it to God. It was a good reminder for me that God can comfort me in ways nobody else can. It taught me that it's good to be a comfort to those hurting around me, but its also ok to just need to be alone with God, my own memories, and address my own pain. It is necessary! It reminded me that I need to stop trying to comfort those around me, long enough to allow God to comfort me. I sometimes feel guilty about my own grief, because I know someone else's is far greater than mine. However, my grief experience can't be compared to another, nor can yours. We all experience it differently; different times, different ways, different waves, different hearts. Someone will always have greater suffering than me and you, but I'm worth God's time, and so are you. You and I need his graces as much as anyone. Yes, I believe he wants me to use the gifts he gave me to serve others, but he didn't exempt me from being human.

Song: "When I'm Gone" by Joey & Rory Feek

Good Grief

While grief is seemingly unbearable, at times, it's also good. Yes, I said grief is good. (But, it feels like a gut punch?!) Grief is a reminder that we loved and still love. If we don't experience grief, did we really love? Sometimes it looks like tears in the middle of laughter because you just miss someone in that moment, or you long for their voice, or their touch. It can even hurt our families' with misunderstandings, or the stress of picking up with what's left behind. We tend to revisit our own pain and suffering when someone we love is experiencing it. Other times, it pops up out of nowhere. It makes us relatable, forces us to say, "I'm struggling", "I'm not okay", "I need help", to pray, to form and renew relationships. On the flip side, it can challenge us in ways we can't manage. It can cause us to push away the people closest to us, or to have self destructive behavior. It can be a chance for doubt to creep into our heart, no matter how unwelcome it may be. We all have suffering, and we all have good within us. Let's take the good with the grief and press on. My wish for you today, is that you can find more good than grief.

Take my dear friends' advice, Don't take on the pain of those around you at the expense of suppressing your own. Pray with them and for them. Love them through their tough days. But don't neglect your own. God calls us to be disciples, but he doesn't tell us to play pretend. God calls us to serve, but he wants to serve us, too! Take off the armor. Sometimes we have to take off the armor, and start to heal, in order to put that armor back on again. If you take off your armor and you need help getting it back on, "Good Grief," you're certainly not alone!

Let's get each other comfortable with saying these things and it not having a stigma attached (especially after the year we have all had):

"I need help"

"I need prayers"

"I need counseling"

"I need a personal day"

"I need a break"

"I need some time alone"

"I need to talk"

"I'm depressed"

"I'm human"

Just Some Resources

I have included a couple resources below. You can click on the links to hear them, share them as you wish. In the meantime, please join me on My Forum. I would love to hear from you. Share your thoughts on these resources, your own experience, and share books, music, podcasts, all things encouraging.

~I love the video, "Why You Need Jesus And A Counselor". My Mom recently shared it with me and I love the message in this.

~I also enjoyed listening to this Teacher Answers Podcast interview where Cindy Price shares how she took up a new hobby that helps her cope with her own loss. It's very moving. Sam Griffin, the host, is my former high school teacher. Give it a listen.

Say it with me folks:

"It is not weak to ask for help or have a bad day. I am human. Mental health is important. I am worth it!"

Good Grief

Grief

Good Grief

Recent Posts

1 Comment